What Trump told de Blasio at Trump Tower

The pilgrimage to Trump Tower continues.

High above the concrete jersey barriers, crowd control gates, gawking tourists and a cop-in-the-sky, Donald Trump awaits the calls and congratulations of the world’s great leaders in the comfort of his NYC home. On Wednesday, our own city’s great leader arrived in person for a 62-minute conversation with the president-elect.

Mayor Bill de Blasio, who once called Trump a racist and likened one of his debate responses to that of a “Third World dictator,” eventually came outside to tell assembled reporters he had let the president-elect know that New Yorkers were “fearful.” He “raised a number of questions” about the potential Trump agenda: deregulation of Wall Street, immigration, taxation, and police-community relations. He promised to be “open-minded” yet “vigilant” with respect to his fellow New Yorker. “The ball’s in his court.”

Then he left.

However, just after he did, a strange thing happened: As the mayor’s towering frame disappeared down the street, a black panel slid open in the Death-Star-looking tower. A strangely familiar, orangeish figure cloaked in a Yankees cap and shadow leaned down, looked both ways as if fearful of being seen by the press. But some emotion got the better of him. “Hey kid, you want a transcript?” he asked. He licked his lips. “This’ll be some great coverage.”

He took my email — “Great memory” — and then disappeared. Shortly thereafter a message showed up in this writer’s inbox, from John.Miller@JohnBarronVeryRealCommunications.xxx (full email redacted). Here’s what it said.

The introduction

President-elect Trump sits perfectly centered at his enormous, and perfectly clean (Lysoled four times a day) mahogany desk, having his Twitter mentions from that morning read to him via speakerphone when Commie Mayor Bill de Blasio walks in.

De Blasio: Sir, thank you for taking the time to address my concerns. New Yorkers, you see, are fearf—

Trump: Let’s cut to the point. How long do we have to do this? I’ve got a session in my neighbor’s swimming pool soon, and Hope says a few phone calls. Can we just say we talked?

De Blasio: Well, I’m glad this escalated so quickly. Just for the record, I want to say that people are afraid of you. Now I can go say I said that outside.

Trump: C’mon. People are afraid of me? Here in New York? I dunno, everyone I talk to likes stop-and-frisk. And lower taxes. Just Tuesday, for example, I slipped away from those loser reporters and had a triumphant — like you wouldn’t believe — homecoming at the “21” Club. Big league applause! They said, “Mr. President-elect, please please lower our taxes.”

De Blasio: I saw that video too sir. It was you who said you’d lower their taxes.

Trump: Still, they clapped for me! Don’t you love that?

De Blasio: Sir, I think you’re missing the point. You’ve got to get out of Manhattan. Get to the outer boroughs; someplace down to earth, like Park Slope. Bar Toto. People are hurting.

Trump [makes patent twisted-face face]: Ok, ok. All out of your system now? Anything else you want to add?

De Blasio: Yeah I mean there’s immigration obviously. Even the NYPD told me I was allowed to tell you we need to have cooperation with undocumented immigrants, because otherwise. . . Sir? Mr. President-elect?

Trump: Whoah. Sorry, that was just a micro-nap, it’s hard for me to stay awake with two hours of sleep a night. Also I’m not too interested in whatever we were just talking about. Can we discuss making the Javits Center the Trump Center? Or let’s see, there were a few other things I wanted to bring up. I’m thinking of getting back into construction, any large plots you can think of that someone else can build and I can name?

De Blasio: Mr. President-elect, do you mean. . . you want to be working on this during your presidential tenure?

Things take a turn for the worst

Trump: Yeah, come on, these countries run themselves, so long as you get the right people. For instance, I was thinking about making Andrew Cuomo HUD secretary.

De Blasio [considers throwing self out window]: . . .

Trump: But in the end, I don’t know if he’d be good for the job.

De Blasio: I guess we’ve found something to agree on.

Trump: Yeah, it feels good. You want the job instead?

De Blasio: Absolutely not. Wait. . . can I increase federal funding to build some housing? I’ve been making a big deal about this housing thing, maybe if we get some big bucks I can get it done.

Trump: Funding for “the projects”? Like NYCHA? You’ve gotta be kidding me. No. Forget it, I take it back. No backsies.

De Blasio: You’re a thoroughly unlikeable human. I see that what you’ve said in the past is a good indicator of what you’ll do in the future. Everything I’ve done in my political life has run counter to the political forces that swept you into office. That said, I’m going to pretend that you’re just like a regular president-elect. It seems like pretending rubs off on you, so maybe that’ll work. And if things get worse later, us fighting is GREAT for my re-election campaign. How much longer are we supposed to do this?

Trump: Fifty-five minutes or so. No worries, I have a few phone calls to make to some TV executives. You can hang out here, or. . .

De Blasio: Yes. I just need some time to think. I have to decide what to say.


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